whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
