Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
