I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
