Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
