the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I smell like Dick and happiness
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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