3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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