Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
