Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i came on her dog
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
