Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
