We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
