there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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