She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
