I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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