What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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