matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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