I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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