I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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