Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
