I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
