I heard we made out
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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