I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
