I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
