I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
