dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
