He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
