Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
