apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
