he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
