everyone is single if you try hard enough
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
