I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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