Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
