Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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