I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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