sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize