conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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