This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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