I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
