She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
