i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
