I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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