Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
