I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
