Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
