Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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