Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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