i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
