Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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