u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
