Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
