She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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