Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
