I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
