Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
