Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
