Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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